I want to explain something. I feel like I have to explain this or I’m going to die or choke or vomit or just cough up a heart or a lung, something I need to keep living, which goes back to the fact that I’ve been killing myself every minute I don’t explain this. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve had my heart on lockdown. I know what a prison riot feels like inside of there & god, he turned every single part of myself against me & there was blood & screams. There was so much blood, you wouldn’t believe it, & it leaked right out of me & I was covered head to toe in my own blood all because he said these same things once & I let myself believe he could love me, that love like this or that could be real, where I’m not somehow found annoying in some way or how the need for me could actually beat anyone’s insides up until their heart was bruised into a morbid rainbow of purple & green & black & blue. I think those sort of bruises are beautiful & I believed in them once. My skin was glowing from all that hope over a key that fit into my lock, but he just wanted to let all the things that murder me out so he could see how fragile the system is. I would like to say ‘look at me’, but you can’t right now & I’m probably not making much sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know if I can survive being looked at like this again, to let myself fall into it, when there’s no guarantee for a landing that isn’t made of concrete & my bones making gross music as they break, but…now I’m going to say ‘look at me’ again, so just bear with me. There’s room here now, I mean inside my heart, there’s a place for you. I’ve kicked him out, he never paid rent or cleaned up after himself & I want to try again with someone who knows how. I want to trust & I don’t know how to do things other than just doing them, but, please, realize I’m terrified, realize…this is gonna take a lot of time.
Moriah Pearson (mooneyedandglowing)